The maid of honor just puked.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
