the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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