Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
