if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
