I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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