Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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