wrigley field is MILF paradise
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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