Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Pants 0. Shit 1.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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