God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
