you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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