Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
