I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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