I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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