SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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