Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
