I wish I could teleport
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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