Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
