I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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