my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
