Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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