Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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