either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
