Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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