Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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