I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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