He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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