dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
