The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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