I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
