so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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