I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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