Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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