you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
