i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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