i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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