Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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