sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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