If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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