it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
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