saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
