Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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