Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
