your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
