i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
