I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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