ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
