I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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