Welp...herpes.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
