If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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