why im i the only drunk person in the library?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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